Nightmares-- (missing moment Nightcrawler)
by RhyannD
Summary: What happened between the episode and the tag. In my mind, there had to be some *time* between the ending and the tag. I thought this was a one shot, they told me there is a weekend. Rating just for safety and general ideas. Certainly not my characters or universe. Finally COMPLETE! (Sunday & Sunday NIGHT up!) Thank you SO much for your patience!
1. Friday Night

"I don't feel so good... " Amanda's head felt heavy, full of cotton and her limbs refused to cooperate. Lee was coming back toward the cot and she reached for him, clumsy fingers grasping for him.

"Don't worry, don't worry, it's just zap gas, and right now you won't be able to move, but... let's just get comfortable. it'll only last a few minutes." He settled them down on the cot, drawing her against him, wrapping his arms around her.

For the first time in... how long had it been? She had no idea... The hours and days had bled together and stretched impossibly since Birol had taken her in the news van; but for the first time she felt safe. Lee tucked her carefully to him, resting his chin against her forehead.

As her body became too heavy to bear consciousness, she had one last thought. "It better last longer than that."

Lee was able to come out of it first, not surprising since he carried so much more body mass than Amanda. Clearing the cobwebs from his mind, he looked down at her. She rested in his arms, knocked out by the gas, but still her body was tense. Her hands were paralysed holding fast to him.

The tactical paramedics came into the room with Billy. Lee's tongue was a little thick feeling still. "Hi guys."

"You all right Scarecrow?" Daniel knew how much Lee hated medical attention.

"Yeah." Lee shifted, fighting the lingering lethargy from the zap gas.

"What about her?" Daniel reached for Amanda's left hand, pulling it away with some difficulty from Lee's chest, where her fingers clutched at his shirt. He checked her pulse.

"Uh..." Lee's heart dropped. He didn't know for sure. "She said no drugs, but he used some pretty heavy psychological techniques on her, and more than 72 hours sleep deprivation... I'm not sure she'd know if he slipped her anything." Bile pushed up his throat.

"Pulse is strong and steady. No obvious injuries other than the bruised cheek. Get some fluids into her and get her back to Doc Kelford." Daniel nodded to his partner, they moved over to work on Mara in the hallway.

Lee shifted, was going to lay Amanda back down on the cot so he could rise, but she moaned softly and started to come to herself.

"Lee?" Her right hand clutched at his sleeve and arm.

"Right here. Right here." He sat them both up more, helping her.

"Ooooh."

"Yeah. Sorry. You think you can walk?"

"To get out of here? You bet."

Billy came over and helped Amanda to stand. "Thank you, Sir."

"You all right Amanda?" He wrapped his arm right around her waist, and tucked his shoulder under her arm, taking a good deal of her weight.

"I think so, Sir." She had to clear her throat. Somehow his kindness made her want to cry. Lee wasn't a lot of help on her other side, but he was there, and squeezed her arm reassuringly.

Billy led them out to his sedan, which Lee noted, was right in the middle of the road at an angle. Billy'd arrived in a hurry. Amanda and Lee were both getting pretty steady on their feet, but still sank gratefully into the back seat. When Billy shut the door behind them, Amanda snuck her right hand into Lee's left. He squeezed hers hard, then held on. Francine got in the front, leaning over the seat to hand a bottle of water back to Amanda. Lee let go her hand to reach for it and open it for her.

"Oh, thank you Francine!" Amanda drank down almost three quarters of the bottle at once. Then she switched hands, surreptitiously reaching for Lee's again. She found it and clung to him.

"How long?" His voice was dangerously soft.

"What?" She blinked, looking at him, confused.

"How long has it been since you've had water?" He looked at her, holding her gaze. The muscle in his jaw twitched with tension. She looked away, down, out the window.

"I don't know." Her voice was very small. Lee looked straight ahead, the tension practically jumping off him. He knew... that was the problem, he **_knew_** what Birol's standard operating procedures were, and Amanda never should have been submitted to those conditions. Deliberately he took a deep breath in and slowly blew out. He gently rubbed his thumb over the top of her hand.

"Amanda," Billy said, catching her eyes in the rearview mirror, "we are heading back to the Agency. I'm sorry you can't go home just yet, but we need to debrief you."

"I understand, Sir." Amanda replied. Her brain still felt muzzy.

Before she could even think to ask, Billy reassured her, "Your family thinks you're stuck on location. They're fine. We had the house covered the whole time you were gone."

"How..." Amanda had to clear her throat. Lee looked at her, eyebrow raised. She lowered her voice and asked him directly, "How long was I gone?"

"97 hours before I got there." He watched her eyes widen as she took in that information. Emotions crossed her face too quickly to interpret. She turned away from him, drinking more of the water. He felt a fine tremor in her hand and squeezed it.

The ride back to the Agency was done mostly in silence. Lee knew he was in the doghouse for going out on his own. Francine was still licking her wounds from her little act of insubordination, and Billy, for his part, held his temper in deference to Mrs. King. At this point he was just glad everyone was safe, and having Birol in custody would take the heat off _him._

Amanda expected to be ushered into one of the stark small rooms equipped with recorders and stenographer stations; instead Lee kept his hand on her elbow and guided her straight to medical. She panicked for a moment when he went to leave her, grabbing for his sleeve, but caught herself, and let go.

Lee noticed.

He soothed his hand on her upper arm. "Doc Kelford just needs to check you over Amanda. Just a couple of minutes. I'll be right here when you're done, OK?"

She felt foolish at her anxiety and took a deep breath. "Sure."

Dr. Kelford was slightly too young and professional to be considered fatherly, but he still had that Marcus Welby way about him. He clearly had already been briefed, because he avoided the general questions, instead honing in on specifics like how often she had eaten and had water, had she been hit anywhere except the face, and did anything hurt? He looked in her eyes, drew several vials of blood, and made her drink three paper cups of water.

"Thank you Mrs. King. We'll run the bloodwork right now and let you know before you're done debriefing."

"Oh." Her brain still felt like it wasn't quite functioning right. Her head ached a little too, should she tell him that? She wasn't quite sure what they were going to let her know?

Dr. Kelford must have seen the confusion on her face. "Just a precaution, Amanda. They might have drugged your food, or... well... it sounds like a few good nights' sleep are all the prescription you're going to need, but we need to be sure."

"OK. Thank you, Sir." Amanda slid off the examining table and headed out the door. True to his word, Lee was there, though he was just walking up to the door.

"All set?"

"Yeah. I guess so." Fatigue was crashing down on Amanda now that she was in a safe, familiar environment. She couldn't stifle a yawn.

"We won't be too long, I promise." Lee's hand found the small of her back, reassuring and warm. She was hungry after the doctor's questions about food. She couldn't remember how long it had been since they had given her a box with cold french fries and greasy cold chicken. She had nibbled at it, since it was the only food they'd given her, but nerves kept her from eating much. Now her stomach and headache were reminding her her body needed fuel almost as much as sleep.

They did end up in one of the small rooms which Amanda thought of as interrogation rooms. But Billy was there, and he left the door open and she didn't feel as threatened as she might have. Dr. Quidd sat quietly off to the side. One of the girls Amanda recognized from 'Lee's' steno pool sat at the machine. After a reassuring squeeze on her shoulder, Lee left, which worried her.

They began with her role in the early morning operation. She was just getting to the part where Birol showed up at the van. Her palms were sweating. She wished Lee was there.

And then he was.

He swept into the room with a large paper take out cup, setting it before her. She immediately recognized it.

"Oh." Her eyes widened in delight. "A chocko-blocko shake from Marvelous Marvins! How did you know I was starving?" Amanda rambled while she stuck the straw into the thick ice cream frappe. She looked up when she felt the strained silence. Lee had blanched. The muscle ticked in his jaw. Billy looked down.

Only Dr. Quidd was willing to meet her gaze. "It's a good choice, Mrs. King. Some fast calories and generally well tolerated by the stomach."

"Thank you." She took another long drag on the straw-but not so much as to start a cold headache. With that, she realized these people dealt with this, somewhat regularly. It was old hat to _them._ She didn't need to be worried or embarrassed, she just needed to tell them what happened.

Lee pulled his chair up next to her at the small table. Casually he angled himself so that his lower leg touched hers underneath the table. It was all the contact he dared under the scrutiny of the interrogation room, but he couldn't stand just sitting there listening to her recount her captivity.

"The place he took me was just a bare room, nothing in it. The light was always on, and there would be loud music. Usually if I sat down, he -Birol- would come in and make me stand up. I don't really know how long it was, I started losing track of time pretty early."

Amanda paused, looked down at her hands clasped on the table. "He kept asking if I knew who Nightcrawler was, and I didn't, so that helped because I could only say no. He showed me pictures a couple of times, but the only one I recognized in the pictures was Lee-and I didn't say anything, but somehow he knew I worked at the Agency with Lee... " She took the small napkin that was with the shake, crumpling it in her hands, rolling it over and over.

She broke off, glancing quickly at Billy for his reaction. "I didn't say anything... " Her voice broke. Lee saw her hands shaking and had to dig his nails into his palms to keep from reaching over to hold her.

"It's OK, Amanda, he made us at the airport," Lee interrupted. He looked at Billy, who nodded for him to continue. "When you called out to me. You saved my life-they saw that. " Lee shrugged.

Exhaustion was dragging at Amanda. She drank a little more of the shake, and yawned. Billy redirected her, wrapping up the debriefing.

Her hands started to shake again when she recounted Birol painting the latex on her face. She clasped them together on the table to try to stop them. Lee shifted, pressing his leg against her, frustrated at his impotence to help her with this. She didn't look at him, but she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

True to his word, Doctor Kelford showed up just as they were finishing. Amanda felt as if she could fall asleep right in the hard chair in the bright interrogation room. Doctor Quidd stepped out and conferred with Doctor Kelford for a moment, then Doctor Kelford came in. Nervous adrenaline had Amanda waking up slightly.

"Mrs. King, everything checks out fine. You are moderate-to-severely dehydrated, and suffering from extreme fatigue. Your blood counts are a little low, but that's to be expected. You are to eat several good, healthy meals, to sleep as much as you can, and to drink lots of fluids."

"Great." She yawned.

"Come on... " Lee stood, his hand finding her back again, and not straying until she was settled into the passenger seat of the Corvette.

As soon as he'd pulled into traffic, he tentatively began, "The boys are with Joe for the weekend, and since you are 'out of town on a shoot,' your mother decided to go out with her 'friend' Captain Curt..." he glanced over only to find she had already fallen asleep.

Arriving at his apartment he pointed to Amanda and gave his doorman the universal sign of 'quiet'. Charles liked Mrs. King very much, and liked even more what Mrs. King had done for Mr. Stetson; so not only did he hold the door for Mr. Stetson when he carried the sleeping Mrs. King in, he went up in the elevator with them and took the keys, opening the apartment door too.

Lee set Amanda down on the couch. Alone and safe at last, he couldn't help but linger, tracing a feather touch over her bruised cheek, pushing the bangs off her forehead. Something beneath his diaphragm loosened for the first time in four days and he finally felt like he could take a breath.

But he knew it wasn't over.

With a heavy sigh, he stood. First he removed Amanda's sneakers, then covered her with the afghan. Next, he headed for the shower, leaving the bathroom door ajar in case she called for him. He let the hot water pound away the tension in his shoulders and neck.

He dressed in a black tee shirt and baggy sweatpants. He checked on Amanda, who appeared to have not moved. In the kitchen he found chicken and rice soup in the freezer and put it in a pot to thaw and cook. When it was ready, he filled two bowls, and brought them into the livingroom. He returned to the kitchen for a big glass of orange juice for Amanda, and a beer for himself.

He hated to wake her, but she needed food and fluids. She'd end up worse off if he let her sleep without eating. "Amanda?" He spoke softly. Her startle reflex would be over the top for a while. "Amanda?"

She woke with a gasp, eyes snapping open. Lee immediately spoke. "Amanda, it's ok. You just need to eat something and drink some juice." He saw when she registered where she was, and only then did he reach to gently touch her, pushing the bangs out of her eyes.

"Oooh. I'm so tired," she complained.

"I know, but you have to eat. And drink some juice."

With a sigh she pushed herself up. Lee didn't miss the wince that crossed her face. He got back up to get the aspirin, and when he returned, put it on the coffee table. He handed her one of the bowls of soup, then sat next to her.

She cautiously tasted. "Mmmm." It was just simple homemade chicken stock, mirepoix and rice, but sometimes simple was the best remedy. Lee waited for her to question him as to why she was at his apartment. It never came.

They finished their soup in companionable silence. She downed three aspirin with her orange juice. "Shower?" He asked, "or bed?"

"Oh, definitely shower." She answered, wrinkling her nose when she looked down at her rumpled and soiled shirt. She might just throw that shirt away.

He'd already set out towels for her, and a flannel shirt of his and sweatpants. The hot water felt heavenly. Not for the first time, Amanda wondered if this was another elaborate hallucination. She didn't want to be alone, and yet she didn't feel like she could face her mother and the boys just yet either-she wanted to see them, but she felt so... fractured.

And somehow as if conjured from her imagination, here she was, eating chicken soup and being coddled... She used Lee's shampoo, and the scent she normally associated with him grounded her and she began to relax and believe it was real. She used his soap, the familiar fragrance wrapping her in a sense of security.

When she got out of the shower she threw the blouse she had been wearing into the trash. She hand washed her panties and bra in the sink and with a grin hung them on the towel rack in the shower to dry. He'd have to get used to such things if he really meant to marry her, now, wouldn't he.

The thought sobered her slightly. She hadn't asked why he brought her to his apartment rather than home. Certainly he wouldn't expect... just because she said she _would_ marry him... her head started to hurt again a little. She was being foolish.

The scotch plaid flannel shirt was thick and soft and fell mid thigh. The sweatpants were equally as soft and she had to roll the waistband several times. She padded out to the kitchen in bare feet. Lee turned just as she entered, another large glass of juice in his hand. Her breath caught a little at the sight of him.

"Here, as much more as you can... " He looked worried.

"Thanks. I'm fine Lee. Doctor Kelford said so." She sipped at the juice, then yawned.

"I think you fell asleep before you heard me in the car, your mother went out with her 'friend' since the boys were going to Joe's for the weekend."

Her face fell a little. "It's the weekend?"

"Yeah. It's Friday night." He watched her.

"I lost the whole week... " She wrapped both hands around the juice glass, looking down into it. She started to say something else, but stopped.

"C'mon... let's get you into bed. Doctor's orders." Lee took the juice from her, and pressed that compelling hand against her back. Her stomach fluttered a little as they walked toward the bedroom. She'd been in there before, of course, but never **_in_** his bed.

"I'm just going to leave the juice on the nightstand, you'll probably be thirsty in the night."

Amanda yawned again, and upon entering the bedroom, felt inexorably drawn to the bed. He'd already turned down one side and moved the extra pillows. With a sigh, she climbed between the luxurious sheets. She could get used to 800 thread count.

Lee sat on the edge of the bed, pulling the covers up tenderly. She settled on her side, facing him, and reached for his hand. "Are you ok?"

"You're asking _me_ that?" He shook his head. "Of course you are. You're Amanda." He wrapped both of his hands around her one, then raised it to his lips and tenderly kissed her knuckles. "I'm more than OK as long as you're here, safe."

She wanted to talk to him more, but she just couldn't keep her eyes open. "It's all right Amanda, go to sleep. I'll be right here." So she did.

o o o

"LEE!" The scream tore from her throat, waking her. Hands held her shoulders and for several moments she blindly fought them. Finally his soft voice penetrated her panic. "You're safe Amanda, you're safe. It's over. I'm here."

When she stopped fighting him, she collapsed against him, breathing as if she had just run a marathon. Those perfect hands soothed slow circles against her back and shoulders.

"Lee... " Her voice was barely a broken whisper.

"I know... I know."

Shudders wracked her. Without warning she felt the saliva build in the back of her throat. "Oh, no..." She pulled away from him, scrambled off the bed, racing for the bathroom. She barely made it in time to lose the contents of her stomach. When she could breathe again, she realized Lee was holding her hair back. With the absurd urge to chuckle, she thought it was probably the most romantic thing anyone had ever done for her. She sat down on the floor, back propped against the side of the tub and he handed her a cool damp washcloth. She washed her face off then draped it on the back of her neck. Lee handed her a cup of water which she sipped gratefully.

After a few minutes, he reached his hand to help her up. "Think you're OK?"

"Yeah." She replied wearily. He pulled her to a standing position and took the washcloth from her. He drew her into his arms and just stood, holding her. She let her head drop to his shoulder. A stray shiver snaked up her spine. He soothed his hand after it. When he felt her waver on her feet, he led her back to bed and tucked her in, much as before.

"Now I don't want to go to sleep," she whispered, anguished.

"I know." Lee frowned, gently feathering the bangs off her forehead, letting his hand come to rest cradling her cheek. She turned into his touch.

"You knew I'd have nightmares..." He wasn't sure if it was a question or an accusation.

"Yeah."

"That's why you brought me here."

"I didn't want you to be alone... " His thumb gently brushed on her face. "It's called delayed stress and it's really normal."

"So there will be more?"

"Probably."

"How can you make them go away?"

"Well, Quidd insists that talking about it helps." Lee chuckled darkly. "Sometimes a nice hot toddy helps. It's better when you're not as exhausted... I don't know... just time, too I guess."

"I had a few nightmares after those Soviet agents thought I was you... but... " her shoulder lifted and settled again, his flannel shirt sliding down a bit.

"This is different Amanda. Birol... " he paused, seemed to have trouble saying the word out loud, "tortured you... "

"Oh, no, that's not true... I mean, he only hit me a couple of a times... that's not... "

"Amanda-" Lee cut her off.

She looked at him, his changeable eyes were cloudy green. "Sleep deprivation, witholding food and drink... and hitting _are_ torture." The quiet words seemed as if they were forced from him. She shivered again. His hands came up to cup her shoulders. "And I know Birol, he used a lot of physical intimidation and pressure."

Her flinch spoke volumes. He drew her to him, not for the first time wondering how he would have survived if he had not found her. She seemed to melt, boneless against him. When he felt her breathing become regular, he started to set her back down.

"No..." Her voice was very small. "I don't want to go to sleep. I might wake up and this will all have been a dream too." She rubbed her cheek against his shoulder. The light from the bathroom caught the silvery trail of tears starting.

"I'll be right here, on the couch... "

But she stubbornly held on to him. "Stay?"

Lee couldn't resist her. She so rarely asked anything of him, and so often gave everything of herself.

"OK. Hang on a minute." Mollified, she let him tuck her in again. He then got up to shut off the main bathroom light, but left the shower light on. Then he came around the other side of the bed, (his side,) and got on top of the covers. He turned on his side and found Amanda.

Just as they had at on the cot at Birol's hideout, they fit together perfectly. With his thumb he reverently wiped the tears from her face. "I don't know why I'm crying now." She sniffled.

"It's all right. You cry if you need to." Lee pulled her close, tucking her to him.

"Lee?" Her voice was sleepy.

"Mmm?" She felt his voice rumble, rather than heard it.

"Who was there for you?" He shifted uncomfortably, not wanting to answer this particular question. He stalled, running his fingers through her hair. Before long her breathing became light and regular and she relaxed in his arms. His own breath sighed out as his lips rested on her forehead.

o o o

Amanda fought rising to consciousness. A tiny niggle of fear told her she would be in an empty room. But she was surrounded by warmth, and softness... and as her senses returned she felt herself gently rising and falling. She opened her eyes, the room was just dusky with the purple light of dawn. Lee still lay on top of the covers, but they were pushed down closer to her waist. He was on his back, and she was on... him. She was on her side, but mostly draped across his chest, his shoulder her pillow. Even in sleep, his arms remained wrapped around her, holding her safe.

It wasn't a dream.

He had come. He had found her. He had asked her to marry him. And last night he had brought her home because he didn't want her to be alone.

Always a light sleeper, he must have sensed her change in breathing, even though she hadn't moved.

"You OK?" His arms tightened just slightly around her, his lips finding her forehead. She thought his voice raspy with sleep was perhaps the sexiest thing she'd ever heard.

"Yeah," she replied softly, her hand creeping up to touch his sandpaper stubble jaw.

"Bad dream?" He shifted a little bit, but settled.

"No." She paused. "This definitely is the best dream yet."

He smiled, his thumb lazily tracing back and forth on her arm. They both went back to sleep.


	2. Saturday Morning

Amanda woke gently the next time. Her internal clock told her she was later than usual, but the light slanting through the bedroom window had the quality of early morning still. Lee was gone from the bed, but she smiled running her hand over the pillow where he had lain.

In the bathroom she found a new toothbrush waiting on top of a facecloth and hand towel. His Uncle had at least taught him host manners. She avoided the mirror while brushing her teeth, not wanting to see the disaster of her hair with no mousse, no blow dryer and no curling iron.

She padded out to the kitchen. Two mugs sat next to the coffeemaker, which was loudly sputtering in the last stages of filling the pot. Lee was bent over in the refrigerator, gathering things out of the drawers. He wore his old, faded Navy sweatshirt and jeans that were soft and faded and worn in all the right places.

"Like what you see?" he asked while still collecting food.

Heat immediately filled her cheeks. "Yeah." She smiled.

His own matching smile had his cheeks dimpled deeply as he turned to deposit the items on the counter. In two strides he was across the kitchen, pulling her into his arms. She was glad there had been a toothbrush when he kissed her. He held her so tenderly it brought a sting of tears to her eyes.

"Good morning," he said, pulling away from the kiss, but pulling her body closer against him and forming her along his front.

"Mmm... yeah. It is, isn't it," she replied, closing her eyes and absorbing the feel of him and scent of him. Boldly she let her hands drop softly down to his hips, then slightly lower to where she had been admiring the fit of those old jeans just moments before.

After a moment he pulled away and gently tipped her chin up to him. She opened her eyes to see him scrutinizing her cheek. She had, honestly, forgotten about it. She expected it was probably getting quite colourful by now. His eyes darkened, and he raised his right hand, fingers tracing her cheekbone with a touch that felt like a benediction.

"How are you this morning?" His voice was rough.

"I'm OK." She smiled that shy, self-deprecating smile, and ducked from his scrutiny to rest her forehead on his chin.

The coffee maker announced the completion of it's mission with one enormous splutter and hiss of steam. With a last touch of his lips to her forehead, Lee stepped away. Amanda imagined it was reluctantly.

Without asking, he poured both cups, adding two spoonfuls of sugar to one before handing it to her. She wrapped her hands around the mug, warmth settling just below her ribs at the intimacy of it all.

"Breakfast will be ready for Madam in just few moments... " Lee flourished, getting a cast iron pan out of the cabinet below the sink. "We can go to your house to grab some clothes for you, or you can just see what you can find here," he stated casually, glancing sideways at her.

Her stomach fluttered a little. "Oh, no, that's all right, I can just see what I can find here."

"Good." Lee looked up, a secret little boy grin on his face. "Mi casa es su casa, as they say. Make yourself at home, help yourself to whatever you want."

Amanda took her coffee back to the bedroom. He'd come a long way from the slob of a solo agent she'd met three years ago. She had something particular in mind though, and it didn't take her long to find it. She folded then cuffed his smallest pair of jeans, and a canvas tactical belt with sliding brass buckle snugged the waist up plenty. A white tee shirt suited fine since her bra was still slightly damp. And she found her prize, a soft cotton, shaker knit, v-neck sweater. It was a rich hunter green with jewel tone speckles of sapphire, ruby, amethyst and gold. She loved that sweater on Lee-and didn't see it on him enough-but always coveted it for herself.

There was something just so... elemental... about wearing your boyfriend's clothes. A dreamy grin was on her face when she returned to the kitchen. It made you feel sexy and claimed and secure. Lee turned from the stove when she came back into the kitchen, his eyes visibly darkened.

"It is all right, right?" Amanda babbled...

"Oh. Yeah." He moved to her fluidly, like a jungle cat, in one motion arriving and kissing her. Her hands were trapped between them, keeping her mug of coffee from spilling. "Definitely all right." A pop from the skillet had him reluctantly pulling away. Seemingly without effort he dropped his hands to her waist and lifted her up to sit on the counter. "Just another few minutes." The look he gave her made her toes curl.

She watched him flip an omelette in the skillet, and pull bacon out from the broiler. Her stomach grumbled in anticipation as she sipped at her coffee-which was far better than what came out of her own Mr. Coffee. Once again panic niggled, pushing up her throat briefly, this seemed too good to be true, was this just another elaborate game her brain was playing? She rubbed her palm against the denim on her leg, sipped at the rich, sweet coffee, smelled salty, smokey bacon... no, it had to be real. And if it wasn't, well, she just didn't want to wake up. She pushed the anxiety back down.

Lee transferred half the omelette and bacon each to two plates. She jumped off the counter and grabbed knives and forks and they brought their plates to the small table in the dining room. He returned to the kitchen for their coffee, bringing a glass of juice for her.

Once he was seated, Amanda wasted no time in digging into the feast before her. He had somehow managed a gourmet omelette with canned spinach, jarred marinated mushrooms, and frozen chopped red peppers. The cheese, at least, she was sure, was gourmet. She wasn't even sure what kind it was, but it was delicious.

"Lee, sometimes you still manage to surprise me. This is amazing." She bit into a piece of bacon, perfectly crisp.

He basked in her compliment. "Well, the Colonel taught me the basic necessary skills, but you pick up on things when you travel a lot too."

"I wouldn't have said you had the ingredients on hand to make anything decent-most especially for breakfast," she admitted.

"I try to keep a few non-perishable staples around, for just these occasions. I got lucky the eggs weren't too old." He chuckled. "But we'll need to go to the bodega for 'real' food for later, if you're up to it."

"Sure," she said. A little bit of apprehension pricked at the edges of her awareness again. He wouldn't make her go home tonight, would he? She chastised herself. She was a big girl. She had survived without him this long...

She wasn't sure if he read her sudden tension or not, but he offered casually, "I thought you could stay here tonight too, and we'd get you home tomorrow afternoon, with plenty of time to settle in before the boys and your mother get home?"

He looked so hopeful she couldn't help but smile in relief. "That would be lovely, Lee." She was embarrassed still to tell him she wasn't ready to try to sleep alone, and certainly wasn't ready to be all alone in her big house tonight.

After breakfast Lee had to type up his own report on his desktop IBM. This was not one he was going to ask Amanda to do. She sat with the weekend paper, but caught herself just watching Lee much of the time. If he felt her gaze on him, he didn't acknowledge her.

Near eleven-thirty Lee stood, stretching his tense shoulders and arms. "What do you say, want to take a walk?"

"Sure." Amanda carefully put the paper back in order, section by section. Lee smiled indulgently, flashing back to the first time she came to his apartment to feed the fish for him... so much had changed-he had changed so much-in three years.

As they rode down in the elevator he reached for her hand. The gesture brought a sweet smile to her face. She opened her fingers so they laced together with his. He loved being able to touch her like this. Soon, he vowed. Soon they would figure it out and not only be together, but tell the people they loved and cared about. The logistics of that gave him a headache at the moment... but soon.

The day was bright and warm. Lee knew that this would be difficult for Amanda. Agents had several weeks of survival, evasion, resistance and escape training before ever going out in the field; they had tools to protect their mind and knew what to expect in a capture situation. But even with SERE, seasoned agents had trouble reacclimating after days of sleep deprivation and intimidation like Amanda had experienced. He only had a day and a half to try to get her comfortable before her family returned.

As they came down off the bottom step from his building onto the sidewalk, he casually swung his arm around her shoulder. Lunchtime on a nice Saturday there was a decent amount of foot traffic in his neighborhood. Mostly professionals catching up on shopping or picking up their dry cleaning; but the occasional family or cluster of tourists as well,just a normal weekend. As he expected, Amanda pressed into his side.

Amanda was surprised at how much commotion was around them. It felt like the Fourth of July or something. Her heart began to beat quickly, and she felt as if she couldn't quite take a deep breath. But as soon as they stepped onto the sidewalk, Lee put his arm around her. She leaned into him, slipping under his arm perfectly, and was able to breathe slightly easier. She reached her hand up to hold his hand.

"OK?"

She glanced up at him. Once again, he knew. She let her breath out. "Yeah."

Their strides matched easily as they walked the three blocks down to the small grocery store. It had a surprisingly wide-if overpriced-selection of fresh fruits and vegetables. Amanda eyed Lee's choices trying to figure out what he was planning. A small zuchinni, a small summer squash, vine-ripe tomatoes, two sweet potatoes and a handful of baby red potatoes... shallots, green onions and garlic. He teased her with his 'need to know' face every time she asked him what he was planning.

She was laughing at him and putting a half-loaf of french bread into the basket when someone bumped her from behind. She stumbled, but then froze. A brushed aside 'Ooops, excuse me,' and the clumsy shopper was gone. Lee was ready, he dropped the basket and caught her by the upper arms, turning her to him.

"Amanda. Amanda." His voice was soft, yet urgent. "Amanda. I'm right here. You're ok."

"Lee?" she whispered. She squeezed her eyes shut for a minute. Then opened them, looked at him, panic clear on her features. "What just happened?" Her voice shook. Her hands had come up to his chest. He had angled them towards the fruit, to anyone passing by they were debating clementines versus tangerines.

"Lee, what just happened? Am I going crazy?" Amanda felt tears welling behind her eyes. Furiously she blinked, she would NOT cry in public.

"No. No, you're fine, Amanda. It's normal. Remember the 'delayed stress' we talked about last night?"

"Right." She shook her head, as if trying to shake cobwebs away. Then looked around, embarrassment tinging her cheeks pink.

"You're fine. No one even noticed." He softly laid his lips on her forehead.

"OK. OK then." Her voice was shaky, but she took a deep breath and bent to retrieve the basket Lee had put down. He put his hand over hers on the handles and they carried it together.


	3. Saturday Afternoon

The walk home was, thankfully, uneventful. Amanda was feeling alternately better and terribly needy. They each carried a paper grocery bag, and held hands with their free hands, fingers entwined.

If Amanda felt hyper-aware, a reassuring squeeze from Lee would remind her. When tires squealed somewhere behind them and she startled, he soothed her. She wondered how she would have dealt with any of this if her family had been home... Her hand tightened on Lee's for the millionth time and she had to deliberately tell herself to soften her grip.

When they arrived back at Lee's apartment, Charles was at the door. Amanda greeted him by name, and thanked him, with her smile which made you feel like you were her best friend.

"He secretly has a crush on you, you know," Lee chastised her.

"What?" She looked at him, innocence and disbelief in her gaze.

"He abandoned his post to ride up in the elevator just to open my apartment door for you yesterday when I was carrying you."

"You carried me?" Amanda thought wistfully that he had carried her more than once now; and yet, she had never actually been there to appreciate it.

Lee ignored her comment. "You have him wrapped right around your little finger..."

She smiled. Charles was _lovely_ and took his job very seriously. At least ninety percent of the population of his building worked in intelligence in some shape or form. Charles, in his own way, contributed invaluably to the safety of an entire nation. Amanda made sure she let him know that she_ knew_ he knew that.

They put the groceries away, Lee leaving some of the vegetables out. Amanda was still clueless to what he had planned. Without actually speaking about it, they both ended up on the couch. Lee casually slung an arm across the back...

Amanda could not stifle a yawn.

"Why don't you take a nap? Doc Kelford said 'as much sleep as possible.'"

"Naw..." She tried to stifle another yawn. "I don't want to..." She clearly changed her mind about what she was going to say. "If I sleep now, I won't sleep tonight."

"Am-aaaan-Da." Lee's tone was patient, yet persistent.

She laid her head back against the couch. "I don't want to dream." She barely spoke the words aloud.

"Well," he said, trying to choose his words the way he imagined Dr. Quidd would, "what if you tell me about the dreams instead?" His hand left the back of the couch to toy with the ends of her hair. "Sometimes it makes them go away, or gives you power in them, to change them."

She lifted a skeptical eyebrow. "Lay back on my couch and tell me all about it?"

Lee grinned, hooking his arm around her shoulders and swooping her down so her shoulders and head rested on his lap. She landed with a small squeak then a giggle. "Something like that."

She wriggled on his lap, bringing her legs up onto the couch and making herself comfortable. Lee stifled a quiet groan. But then when he looked down and saw how serious her face was, it was easy to bank down the swiftly building desire.

She had grabbed his hand when he swung her around, and now held on to it with both of hers, her fingers idly exploring his. His free left hand ran through her hair, then found the points of tension at the base of her skull and gently pressed.

"Ooooh. That should be illegal," she said, closing her eyes in delight, but her brow wrinkling.

"So tell me about the dreams?" His fingers continued their movement.

"Which ones?" She sounded unlike his Amanda. She sounded vulnerable and scared.

"Whichever ones you want."

Her fingers continued to toy idly with his hand, as if it were the most fascinating thing she had ever come across.

"You were there. I mean, I knew, sort of, that you weren't, but I guess my brain was... messing up.. and there you were."

He continued to softly stroke her hair, alternating with gently pressing on the cranial-sacral trigger points.

"The first time you just told me to not give up-not give it up-and that you loved me... "

"I do." He softly interrupted. Her fingers stilled on his hand. She took a deep breath, let it out slowly. "I do love you, Amanda." A single tear leaked out of the corner of her eye. He caught it with his thumb, then returned to the soothing movements through her hair.

Incongruously, she chuckled. "The second time, you were in a tux, with champagne, and red roses." She paused... continued, "I told you you were overdressed." Lee smiled. Only Amanda.

"And then you were there. You were THERE" Her hands tightened on his. Stopped their idle exploration.

He didn't expect her to continue. But she did. Her fingers started to move first. Then her voice, broken, soft. "In my nightmares... every time you are there, Birol kills you." Her voice trailed off to nothing.

"Amanda..." Lee's voice broke. Part of what he loved about Amanda was her courage, her positive attitude, her gung-ho willingness to do whatever was asked of her. But she didn't have the training that regular agents had. She had a different set of skills altogether-that only now was he willing to acknowledge were equally as valuable-but she didn't have the defenses prepared.

"You can change the nightmares. It's called 'conscious dreaming, or directed dreaming.' When you find yourself there, you can take control. You can recognize it's a dream, and change what is happening. It's normal for your brain to keep trying to process things, especially after sleep deprivation and the tactics that Birol used." Lee's hand moved from her hair to her face, a feather light touch on her bruised cheek, then his thumb settling on her lips. "But you can step in, and change the outcome."

She looked up at him, hope in her eyes, and he thought he had never seen anyone quite so beautiful. "Just close your eyes for a few minutes. You don't have to sleep. Just rest for a few minutes before I get up to go start supper."

"You'll stay?"

"I'll stay." His thumb brushed her lips as she spoke.

She let her breath out with a weary and resigned sigh, and the tension slowly eased from her. Her breathing settled into a light, regular rhythm.

Lee contemplated the precious weight in his lap. She was more resilient than he would have expected. But then she had trusted him from almost the very first moment. He wished he could take this burden from her, but this was not his to take.

In many ways, he thought this would make or break her as an agent. She wanted to be more than a civilian auxiliary agent; well, this was reality. His heart broke, and he would do anything to take the pain and fear from her, but this was the reality of the life they led.

Not that it was not worth it. He could not imagine any other job... At least at the end of the day you knew you showed up to the fight-you may not have won the war, but you showed up for the battle. One person may not be able to save the world, and the world may not even be worth saving; but one person could make a difference for at least the people around them.

Lee thought of Jaime and Phillip, safe and ignorant with their father this weekend. Joe, in his own way felt The Calling. He had even left Amanda and the boys to try to make a difference. Lee shook his head. How a man could leave Amanda and their sons, he could not yet fathom. That was part of the conundrum facing him.

But Lee knew, right here, today, he would give up anything, including his own life, if it would mean keeping Amanda and her family safe.


	4. Early Saturday Evening

Amanda's hands had relaxed their grip on his as she slipped into light sleep. His palm now rested flat on her diaphragm, her hands softly laid on top. He felt a sweet sort of lethargy that was foreign to him. Not fatigue, no, he was pleasantly alert, and well aware of the weight in his lap. He probed at the emotion , as if at a loose tooth. He did not want to be anywhere else in the world right now except exactly where he was. He was startled when his brain supplied the word 'contentment.'

He could feel the steady rhythm of Amanda's heartbeat. The soft rise and fall of her breathing. His other hand continued idle, random movements through her hair.

He rarely felt content. Each mission was a race to accomplish the objective, to get home safely, sometimes even to cheat death. Once home, it was push to get the reports in, and gear up for the next assignment.

While agents were exceptional at living in the moment during times of high stress when every sense had to be on high alert, every reaction on a hair-trigger, simply being at peace was a sensation that was all too rare.

He had experienced it more often in the past three years with Amanda than he had in his adult life. Sometimes, when he was in Amanda's kitchen, or when she would reach for his hand in a particular way, he would grasp a bittersweet wisp of the unconditional love he had felt from his mother.

Not that he thought of Amanda as a mother figure, he chuckled softly-at least not to himself. Keeping his hands off her in public was hard at times. Though she was the polar opposite of what he had looked for in a woman in the past.

His eyes found her hands, resting on top of his. Her fingers were short, sturdy and strong. Her nails were trimmed neatly, nothing like the brightly polished claws of some... Her hands were strong and sure. Those hands could build and start a fire with one match, erect a science project volcano, and tend a bullet wound with professional skill and tender care.

He often felt a sort of shame, an aberrant guilt, when the thought back to his past relationships. Hell, he wasn't even sure they qualified as relationships. Mostly they were just physical pastimes. In his defense, he was always clear with the ladies, they knew what they were-or were not-getting into. He had not left a trail of broken hearts by any means. But in hindsight, he truly saw now that he had just used them. For fun, for release, for enjoyment, for cover even... but he had never given of himself. He was quick with the sparkly or slinky gift, almost as if that was all he was capable of giving.

He wanted to give Amanda the world.

Not for the first time he wondered how Joe could have ever left Amanda and his boys. Phillip and Jaime were bright and well behaved, exactly what every father could ever wish for. He supposed they were young enough when Joe left that their personalities had not really developed so much. He suspected Joe thought Amanda would give in and pick up and follow him.

Lee would NEVER make the mistake of underestimating Amanda. Well, at least never again. He had, in the beginning. He had thought she was just a ditzy housewife. He still didn't always follow the way her mind worked, but he had come to accept that she looked at the big picture in a way he never could, and brought a unique perspective to assignments that had made all the difference over and over.

He had lost count of the times she had saved his life. He trusted her implicitly, in ways he had never trusted another human being. They all left eventually, after all.

The thought had him shifting slightly, then stopping himself so not to wake her. This one... His stomach still felt like a small hard rock when he stopped to think about it too closely. This one was bad. There were worse out there than Birol, but not by much. They had been incredibly lucky Birol had not had access to drugs.

So far Amanda seemed to be dealing remarkably well with the after effects. Her innate optimism and resilience would go a long way. The hallucinations she told him about seemed to be protective. She was able to stay focused on a positive outcome.

As he was pondering this, she began to become restless. Much as he did, she slipped quickly into REM sleep in a nap. Small movements indicated she was dreaming. Her brow furrowed and one of her hands clenched.

Gently he took her hand, hoping her subconscious would do it's work. He soothed his thumb across the lines in her forehead, speaking low, nonsense words of reassurance. A few minutes later she quieted, though her eye movements indicated she was still dreaming.

Much later when her breathing had deepened and she was no longer dreaming, Lee slipped out from underneath her to begin preparing dinner. She turned on her side with a sigh and settled.

He picked several of his favorite slow and quiet jazz albums and lined them up on the stereo, leaving the volume very low.

In the kitchen he chopped up the sweet potatoes first, putting them in a pot with risotto, on a low heat to simmer.

He pulled the beef out of the butcher's wrap and cut it into pieces. He put it in a stainless bowl. He caught himself just in time before smashing a garlic clove with the side of the knife. Digging through the drawer he found the garlic press instead and finished the deed without waking Amanda. Coarse black pepper, a dash of worcestershire, a splash of olive oil and the meat was left to marinate

Then he cut vegetables into large chunks, tossing them in a bowl with olive oil, spices and just a touch of balsamic vinegar. The squash and zuchinni, quartered tomatoes, red peppers, asparagus and brussells sprouts and shallots. He spread them out on a shallow baking pan.

A touch of nutmeg into the risotto, the cheese would go in at the last minute.

It was a simple meal that was very healthy, and yet also seemed very decadent. He had learned it from Emily Farnsworth during the time he spent with her. He silently thanked her for teaching him much more than just spycraft. She had taught him to be a gentleman.

He hadn't been much of one, he thought. Oh, he'd been gallant, and dashing to the ladies he'd dated and bedded. But he had never really respected them or he would not have treated them so cavalierly. Somehow the 'knowing what they were in for' line didn't settle so well with him any more.

He wondered where Emily was. He thought he might get a message to her. She liked Amanda very much, and he knew she would approve. Their relationship had to remain a secret, but Emily was very good at keeping secrets after all.

With that thought digging the dimple deep into his cheek, he went to the livingroom to wake Amanda. She was right, as much as she needed sleep, too much during the day and she'd be less likely to sleep well at night. She needed to be as close to a regular sleep pattern as possible too by the time she returned home tomorrow night.

He hated to wake her. Her face was soft and peaceful. Risking startling her, he went with his instinct and pressed a light kiss to her lips.

"Boy, this directed dreaming stuff works..." She said with a soft smile.


	5. Saturday Evening

Amanda felt like the Princess in a fairy tale, being woken by a kiss from the Prince. Lee had done the same just a few weeks ago when she had fallen asleep on him when he was cooking her supper. She could get used to being kissed awake... especially by this handsome Prince.

She sat up, stretching unselfconsciously and yawning. When she opened her eyes, Lee was looking at her like a cat looking at a canary.

"Hi," she said, cheeks blooming pink.

"Hi." He dipped back in for another kiss. Her hand found the back of his head, running through his hair. His hands slipped up under the sweater as he found a more comfortable position next to her on the couch. She leaned against his chest as their tongues duelled. He groaned when he found nothing but tee shirt under his wandering hands.

With a sigh he pulled back, leaning his forehead against hers.

"Hi." Amanda said again, her voice trembling slightly.

Lee smiled, stole another quick, light kiss. "Hi." Reluctantly he got up. "Come keep me company while I finish supper." He took her hand, pulling her up off the sofa.

Wonderful smells came from the kitchen. Lee filled a glass with water and handed it to her as she leaned her hip against the counter. Dutifully she drank half of it before putting it down. Lee stirred whatever was in the pot on the stove, and shut the oven off. Just watching him do something so absolutely _normal_ oddly filled her with anxiety.

It must have showed.

"Penny for your thoughts?" He pushed against her as he reached above her head into the cabinet for two wine glasses. His thighs pressed against hers, their hips fitting together.

"This is nice. It's normal. So why am I scared?" Her voice trailed off to a whisper at the last word. She broke eye contact with him, looking down. Lee stepped back just slightly, but reached for her. His hand caressed her cheek lightly, coming to settle against the side of her neck, with his thumb on her jaw. She loved that gesture of his.

"It's mostly left over adrenaline." He waited for her to look up at him before he continued. "We're fight or flight creatures. Take away those options and all that adrenaline builds up and has no place to go. Turn it on for an extended period, and it sort of forgets how to turn off. At least until your body can convince your brain it's safe."

"And how can I do that?" Amanda asked, doubtfully.

"Eat several healthy meals and get as much sleep as you can." Lee grinned, knowing he was repeating Doc Kelford's orders almost verbatim.

"No, seriously." Amanda swatted at his chest, using it as an excuse to then let her hand rest there, feeling the strong, steady beat of his heart under her palm.

"Yes, seriously." Lee dropped a light kiss on her forehead. "You've got four days to make up for; one not-quite-night and one breakfast don't qualify." He poured the wine into the glasses he'd retrieved, and handed them both to Amanda. She brought them over to the dining room table which was already set.

Lee filled two plates with food and brought them in.

"You're spoiling me." Amanda's eyes went wide at the offerings.

"You should be spoiled." Lee said simply.

Amanda dug into the food, finding it excellent. The wine was delicious and complimented the food perfectly. Lee had brought the bottle to the table and when she finished her first glass, was quick to refill it.

"Once again, Scarecrow manages to pull another surprize out of his bag of tricks." Amanda complimented him.

"Emily taught me this meal. It's easy and healthy and seems very gourmet, but really isn't."

"How is Emily?" Amanda brightened at the mention of her friend. "Have you heard from her? I haven't since she sent me the postcard from Fiji."

The rest of the meal was spent in pleasant conversation. Lee refilled her wine glass a third time without her really noticing.

Amanda felt a lovely sort of warm lethargy settle in. It was neither the overwhelming fatigue she'd battled, not the opposite edgy anxiety that seemed to pop up unexpectedly. "Come on," Lee said, taking both their wine glasses in one hand, and taking her hand with the other, "let's finish these on the couch."

"OK." She followed him. Soft jazz still played, something that made Amanda think of long, hot summer nights. Lee kept a hold of her hand, setting their wine on the coffee table. Amanda snuggled contentedly next to him.

"We shouldn't have had that garlic," she said quite seriously. Lee raised his eyebrow at her. "Can't make out." She replied with a pout.

"Oh, we can still neck a little." He demonstrated, applying his very talented lips just below her ear, causing a shiver of the delightful sort.

"That's nice too." She smiled, letting her head drop back on the couch. "It's all nice. You're pretty good at this, Scarecrow."

"Practice." He said, hiding his grin against her neck. He sat up, and freed his hand from hers, only to hook it around her shoulders and pull her a bit closer. She let her head rest on his shoulder.

"Are you feeling safer?" He asked, testing the waters.

"Yeah. I think so." She said softly. Lee knew she needed to talk about her experience more, but it was a tricky thing: timing it right, working through it... "But then I get worried that I'm still there and this is the dream part... "

He pulled her even closer to him. "This is real, Amanda. You are safe, and it IS over."

"What will happen to Birol? He won't be deported, will he?"

"No," Lee reassured her. "He's not going to see life outside an American Federal prison ever.

"Good." Amanda let her breath out and her shoulders relaxed down.

"He was awful." Her voice was a hoarse whisper. Lee rubbed his hand against her back, mentally urging her to continue. "I never knew someone could make you think they were going to hurt you so much without actually touching you." A shudder ran through her. Lee shifted, trying to bring her closer still.

Amanda let her palm rest just over Lee's heart. The gesture always grounded her. "You must have been crazy," she said.

His chest lifted and dropped with a huge breath. "Yeah." She barely heard his voice, rough with emotion. She nuzzled into his neck, lips finding his pulse point. She wanted-she needed to be as close to him as possible. Desire curled low in her belly. Her hand started wandering restlessly downward.

"Amanda..." The note of warning in his voice was like ice water being thrown on her. The panic returned, fluttering and cold where the warm desire had been seconds before.

Lee felt her start to withdraw, tightened his arms around her, not letting her escape from his embrace.  
"No-don't get me wrong!" He tilted her chin so she would look up at him. "I want you. More than you know." His voice lowered, husky. His eyes were dark green. "But you're vulnerable right now. You're still exhausted, you're not quite twenty-four hours back... " He held her gaze. "I don't want gratitude sex with you. When we make love, there will be no chances for regret... "

Her eyes sparkled with gathering tears, but he could feel her muscles relax against him, feel her come back to him. "For a minute... " She tensed again, her hand fisting against his chest.

"Amanda, what? Talk to me... please... I love you. " The words thrilled her all over again. "I will not take advantage of the situation."

"But, I want... it's not taking advantage..." She closed her eyes, a deep blush staining her cheeks.

"Amanda. Come here." She was already as close next to him as she could be, but he dragged her across his lap until she was cradled to him. At least she no longer doubted he desired her as well. He rubbed his hands on her back and shoulders, detouring to massage her neck lightly. But his touch was soothing, rather than seductive. "We have a kind of built in reaction to high-stress situations. I guess it's Mother Nature's way of making sure the species continues in times of crisis... but we also need to reassure ourselves that we are fully alive. There's nothing wrong with that. It's part of what you're feeling.

"But you're not that kind of woman, Amanda. If we made love tonight, you would regret it... "

He felt her start to shake against him, and was astonished when he figured out she was laughing. "Did you hear what you just said?" Her voice was still watery, but she was smiling.

"Well, I didn't mean it _that_ way... " Lee too smiled at the unintended turn of his phrasing.

"I know what you meant." She said softly. "You can be very chivalrous, can't you?"

"For you I can." His lips smiled, but his dark eyes were serious and full of emotion. "I wasn't sure, too, well, I thought you might want to, _**we**_ could... you know... wait until we're married if you want to. "

"You'd do that for me?" Amanda traced his lips with her fingers, he captured them and kissed them, then cupped her hand and kissed her palm.

He nodded.

"You really did ask me to marry you?"

Lee's brow furrowed. "Of course I did!"

"And not just because you thought we might not make it?" She was fascinated with tracing the fading letters on his tee shirt.

"Amanda... " There was a note of warning in his voice.

She looked up and met his eyes again. With a small shrug, she said, "I was afraid it wasn't real... it was too good to be true."

"Amanda King, I meant every word I said." His arms were secure around her, and he held her just enough tighter to remind her this _was_ real. "You are the best, the bravest, the smartest, most beautiful woman I have ever known."

"You _did _say that."

"Yeah."

"I love you." She rested her head on his shoulder, her lips lightly touching his jaw.

"You'll still marry me, right?" He asked, playfully, but with a note of worry in his voice.

"You can't get out of it that easy." She smiled against his jaw.

He tightened his arms again for a moment, relishing the weight of her against him, then relaxed.


	6. Saturday Night

Amanda surfaced from sleep by degrees. The first thing she became aware of was the warmth along her back. She was on her side. When she might have become frightened at the unfamiliar surroundings, comforting scents penetrated her sleepy mind. An arm was heavy around her middle, the familiar hand resting intimately on her lower ribs.

Her own hand rested on top of his, her other curled up by her face. She tried to keep her breathing steady and light. Poor Lee had missed almost as much sleep as she had. He was exhausted.

She smiled. He had not even put up a token argument after supper. He had put the dishes in the dishwasher while she used the bathroom. She did not remember crawling into bed, and was well into drifting to light sleep when he brushed a sweet kiss on her forehead. She reached up for him. "Don't go." She mumbled.

"Amanda..." His sigh didn't hold the exasperation it might have.

"You need sleep too. It's a big bed."

Lee smiled. She was serious, and as exhausted as he was, temptation was most likely not an issue for the night. So he climbed into the bed next to her. She was already asleep when he settled on his side and pulled her against him. Truth be told there was no where else he wanted to be.

o . o . o

"You alright?" Lee's breath tickled her ear.

"I'm sorry I woke you." Amanda replied. She opened her eyes. The small light in the shower was on again. Lee's thumb made small movements against her middle.

"Habit." His voice was full of sleep and so very dear to her. "Bad dreams?"

"Mmm... " Amanda shifted a little. There had been, but they were vague now, not the heart pounding panic of the night before. She turned over so she was facing him. He watched her through heavy lids. "Go back to sleep." She reached up to brush the hair off his forehead. "You didn't sleep for four days, did you?" Her voice was a whisper.

He pulled her a little closer, cradling her head onto his shoulder, brushed a kiss on her forehead. "No."

She snuggled into him slightly. There was a low, simmering need there, down deep... but tonight she just needed to believe that he was safe and real; that she was safe and in his arms.

His eyes closed and he slipped back into sleep. Amanda too felt the pull of slumber, but wanted to savor this. He looked younger in sleep, the worry lines gone from his forehead and bracketing his mouth. She wanted to memorize this moment for when she did wake up alone. The way his arms held her, even in sleep. The way his body fit so perfectly with hers.

Being with Lee was nothing like she had known before. Joe had been comfortable, familiar and the easy answer. He was smart and a 'good catch,' and she was doing what she thought she was supposed to do by getting married and raising a family.

Lee... Lee was the opposite of comfortable and the easy answer. She had been attracted to him from the first. She had been just as infatuated with the danger and adrenaline and the _idea _of it all, and that was all wrapped up with Lee. He had handed her a chance to be more than she was when he handed her that package... and she had grabbed on with both hands and run with it.

It took her a long time to admit the attraction could lead to something more, it had taken him longer. She thought of the others who had shared this bed with him, and stopped herself at the last second from shifting uncomfortably and waking him again. He _had_ changed. Or, rather, more accurately, he had let her in. She knew, in her bones, he had not let one of them in.

Sleep pulled at her, inexorable now. She fought it, wanting to stretch out this time. Tomorrow she would face reality again. She felt like she could now-felt like she was ready for her mother and her boys-but she still didn't want to face her empty bed. She let her mind drift, in that space between sleep and wakefulness, where logistics and consequences were fluffy, ethereal peripherals; back to Lee, on his knee, asking if she would marry him. Thoughts drifted to life married to him, and what it would be like to have this every night. She closed her eyes and let herself bask in the weight of his arms around her, the warmth of his shoulder under her cheek, the rise and fall of his chest...

o . o . o

Lee knew it was late. He normally woke quickly, completely and on high alert. But there was a softness and a warmth to the morning begging to be indulged.

He was not a morning-after kind of guy. In fact, he avoided them as a rule. He always made a point to leave a nice note or maybe even a flower on the pillow, but he escaped a shared bed as effectively as he dodged bullets.

So it was startling to find himself malingering. He didn't want to move. Amanda was sprawled half on her side, half on top of him, her head tucked perfectly between his shoulder and chin. She looked rested finally this morning, the circles under her eyes diminished to the lightest of lavender. The bruise on her cheek was starting to fade.

This is what it was like. To love someone. He was long past letting her into his heart. He thought back to the past year or two... He first realised how deeply he had let her in when they had worked the fishing limits case and the Senator was killed with the bomb at that park; He couldn't find her when he arrived at the park, and panic had set in for a moment. The kind of blinding, numbing panic that an Agent couldn't afford, the kind that could cost him his life. Then he spotted her far from the chaos, up on the hill. In front of God and all the witnesses at the park he had pulled her right into his arms in sheer relief.

He was seeing Leslie at the time, though just casually. He called Leslie "Amanda" more than once. She kindly, and without rancor, had pointed out to him that his thoughts were clearly not with her and they had parted amicably.

There were some bad moments and close calls since then. He'd tested the waters, slow to trust this new feeling, slow to trust Amanda with his heart. But Amanda would never deliberately hurt him. And he'd come to actually recognize that he was not immortal, and there was something-someone-infinitely worth living for.

He decided it wasn't quite as late as he thought it was, and closed his eyes. Just a few more minutes and he would get up... but for now he was blissfully content.


	7. Sunday

Lee began to stir when Amanda slid away from his side. "Shh, go back to sleep." She soothed her fingers across his brow. He settled at her admonition, and turned on his side, reaching a hand for the space where she had been.

With a small smile Amanda took her clothes to the bathroom to dress. She wore the jeans a second time, but had a white dress shirt of Lee's this morning. She headed to the kitchen, hoping Lee would sleep a bit longer. He had to be at least as tired as she.

She had to guess at the right number of scoops for the coffee maker, and just hoped the excellent grounds made up for any error. She caught herself 'shushing' the machine as it spluttered and hissed.

She found the new red potatoes and chopped them for home fries, adding a shallot and some chives. Next she diced a few of the leftover roasted peppers and onions from supper and added them to scrambled eggs. Not quite Lee's omelet, but a pretty tasty breakfast. She left the pans in a low oven to stay warm, and poured herself a cup of coffee.

She wandered around the livingroom, slightly too keyed up to sit on the couch. She stopped by the window. Golden autumn sun was burning off the fog. Splashes of orange, yellow and red broke through the dull grey, brick and brown of the city blocks. Amanda closed her eyes, soaking in the warm light seeping through the glass.

The whole week was taking on the quality of a nightmare. Some of it was still vivid; A feeling, a smell, a flicker of something out of the corner of her eye and the terror was back. And it lurked, the uncertainty, the sick feeling, the fear. But there were these new, fresh images too. Lee on his knee, asking her to marry him. Lee cooking for her, caring for her, holding her in the night.

She sensed his presence in the room a moment before she heard him. He made sure to make noise as he approached, careful not to startle her. She turned her head as he wrapped his arms around her from behind. She melted into him as he nuzzled her neck where it met her shoulder.

"Good morning." Her voice was hoarse with sleep and need. They just stood, for long minutes, Lee's arms securely around her, her back against his solid chest. His strength and caring permeating her like the autumn warmth streaming through the window.

"Smells like you've been busy?" Lee murmured, his lips tickling her ear, sending a delightful shiver through her.

"Well, it's not as fancy as yours... "

Lee stepped away from her, trailing his hand down her arm until his fingers entwined with hers, leading her to the kitchen. She loved the gesture, it was so unguarded for him.

After breakfast, Lee suggested a walk to the nearby park. Amanda pulled on the green shaker knit sweater again. She was more comfortable as they stepped out to the sidewalk, though she felt like she was hyper aware of the late Sunday morning activity. Lee's arm casually draped over her shoulder.

She slipped her own fingers into the top of the back pocket of his jeans, with a smile at the intimacy. The heady buzz of courtship and fresh romance pushed back any lingering nerves.

The park was small, but a variety of trees were in a riot of their fall glory still. The light had the golden clarity unique to fall which made everything both brighter and at the same time more rich. The air smelled faintly of damp soil, dying grass and the sweetness of fallen leaves. They sat on a bench in the sun, near the swingset and slide.

"I miss this. Phillip and Jaime are too old now for playgrounds, really. Or at least they think they are. " Amanda had a wistful smile. "It was simpler then."

Lee's thumb rubbed lightly where he held her hand. "A lot of things were simpler."

She caught the nuance in his words and leaned her head against his shoulder. "We'll be all right, won't we?"

"Sure we will." Lee turned and brushed his lips to her temple, resting them there. "We'll figure it out. We've made it this far, and most people in this business never do." He became aware of his thumb's movement, on her left hand, and an idea began to form.

With a sigh that spoke of regret, Lee pulled away from their intimate arrangement on the bench. "I suppose I ought to get you home, Mrs. King. The boys and your mother won't be long behind you." Amanda kept a hold on his arm as they stood and slowly began the walk back to his apartment.

The brief sojourn in the park was another bright memory to push back the dark ones.

She was so concentrating on the lovely parts of the weekend, that the fear, when it pounced, seemed all the more sinister.

Lee's apartment building was in sight. They were crossing the end of a short alley where resident cars parked. With a belch of black diesel smoke and a loud rattle and hiss of air brakes, a white box van pulled up to the curb ahead of them. Amanda froze. Dread was a ball in her stomach that physically threatened to push up and choke off her airway. Even Lee startled somewhat, her fingers had clenched on his upper arm, and she felt his muscles tense and ready for action. She felt, rather than saw, his left hand begin to reach across his body for the small sidearm he had concealed under his sweater.

But then two college age kids in sweatshirts got out of the truck, loudly bantering about who owed whom drinks. They moved to the back of the truck, lifting the door, revealiing a compartment haphazardly filled with furniture, lamps and the various other flotsam of college life.

Amanda's knees might have buckled if Lee hadn't turned to catch her elbows. Reaction was immediate, she was shaking from head to toe. At a loss for any better ideas, Lee gave into instinct; he pushed her the few steps to the brick wall of the nearer building, and kissed her.

His 'remedy' worked. Within moments, Amanda stopped shaking. Then she started responding. First her mouth softened under his, then opened, then she started actually participating in the kiss.

Reluctantly Lee pulled away a bit. "OK now?" He rested his forehead against hers.

"Huh?" Amanda licked her lips, where his had just been. A blush rose, as her roiling emotions sorted themsleves out." "Yeah." A half-smile lifted her lips. Her hands raised to his upper arms, she ducked in for another quick, more gentle kiss. "Thanks."

"Hey, any time. Just helping out my partner, you know?" Lee's eyebrow rose in mischief. With a deep breath, Amanda stepped out of the embrace and took his hand tightly. They walked past the genially bickering boys unloading all their worldly possessions onto the sidewalk. Another bad memory replaced with another good one.

It wasn't until they were in Lee's Corvette, headed for Amanda's house that she broached the subject. "What do I do if that happens when I'm at home, or with Mother or the boys?" Her voice was small and worried.

"I don't think it will." Lee glanced at her, his expression sincere. "First of all, you'll be in familiar environments, but time and rest will dull the reactions too. Today... well... That had _me_ pretty jumpy too." He reached across the console to still her hands worrying the strap of her purse in her lap. She relinquished her left and let him pull it across to rest against his jean-clad thigh while he drove. "You'll have regular appointments with Dr. Quidd for a while, that's just SOP for anyone whose been... " he broke off, still clearly distressed at the words, "in this kind of situation."

"Oh." That clearly hadn't occurred to her.

"I"m sure, actually, you'll have to see him first thing tomorrow when we go in." He saw the worry on her face. "Don't worry, he's good, and he's not all mushy and psychobabble. He tells it like it is and just gives you tools for dealing—like the directed dreaming stuff I told you about. "

Amanada tightened her fingers on Lee's. How many times had he needed to see Quidd? How many nightmares had he faced? She looked at his dear, handsome profile. He seemed pretty well adjusted. She could do this.

They arrived at her house. Her car sat in her driveway. Until that moment it hadn't even been a thought in her mind. She silently thanked Billy, for she was sure it was his doing to get it back to her house. She didn't realize she was hesitating until she looked up to see Lee holding his hand out to help her out of the car. "C'mon, I'll walk through the house for you."

Nerves fluttered madly in her stomach. She didn't want to be afraid in her own house. But Lee clearly had no such worries. He confidently approached and entered. His lack of caution bolstered her confidence. He kept a firm grip on her hand as they moved from room to room, he leading the way. She felt like she had been gone years, and yet nothing had changed.

They went through each room. Even the boys'. She felt a slight flush when they checked her bedroom, her imagination supplying her with plenty of good images there.

They finished in the kitchen. Lee leaned his hips against the center island. Amanda leaned against the counter next to the fridge, suddenly, inexplicably shy.

"Do you need me to stay?" Lee asked.

For a moment Amanda wanted to answer, 'Desperately.' But her mind raced ahead to all the complications that would ensue from that choice, and she knew she wasn't up to all of that just yet. But she was deeply touched that he would offer. Of course he would.

"You'd do that." It wasn't a question.

"Well... yeah." Lee looked slightly annoyed.

"No, I mean, I know you would. And it would just complicate things so much more than they already are... ' She stepped forward, and his arms were there to catch her.

"I need to get back to my life. I won't let Birol win. If I give an inch, he wins." Lee's hands soothed her back as she spoke. "And I can now, thanks to you." She placed her palms flat on his chest, leaning back slightly to meet his beautiful eyes. She saw them darken as he looked at her.

"I love you, Amanda." He lowered his lips to hers, his hand cupping the back of her head. Her mouth opened to him, desire curling low in her belly, syrupy heat building.

They sprang apart like guilty teenagers at the sound of a car door slamming out front. Amanda actually giggled, Lee groaned. He wondered if his car had been spotted, he'd parked past the driveway. Dottie's voice could be heard clearly, wishing a fond farewell to her companion. Lee hoped she was too distracted by Captain Kurt to see the Corvette.

"You'll be OK?" He was reluctant now.

"Go." Amanda admonished, though she snuck in another peck on his lips, then swatted his chest lightly. He turned one last time before closing the door, meeting her eyes with a smile. Her eyes misted.

"Amanda! You're finally home! " Dottie bustled in like a hurricane. "Is that a new sweater?"

~o~O~o~

_(Author's Note: Thank you SO much for your patience and amazing, kind reviews and private messages. Of all the fandoms, I think the SMK fans are truly the best at taking the time to show appreciation. It's astounding. First plagued with some writer's block, I then was injured and when I actually *wanted* to write, physically couldn't. We're almost there. A few last bits. I promise in the future not to post unfinished pieces-again, I *thought* this was a one-shot (therefore complete) when I posted the first chapter. Who knew! Thank's for sticking with it!) _


	8. Sunday Night

Lee felt oddly bereft as he left Amanda's. He glanced in his rearview mirror at the familiar white house and there was an ache in his chest that felt suspiciously like homesickness.

He had a plan though; One he wanted to accomplish in time to return to check on Amanda before bedtime. He picked up the mobile phone and dialed up Augie, "I need to call in a favor or two." It wasn't going to be easy on a Sunday afternoon. He knew what he wanted, and he thought he knew where he could find it. Augie would get the closed door opened for him. Once the Scarecrow was on a mission, he did not quit until the mission was accomplished.

~o~O~o~

To Amanda's everlasting relief, Dottie was too caught up in post-Captin-Kurt bliss to notice Amanda's hair or bruised cheek. Dottie didn't question that Amanda had just arrived home herself, and said she would tell Amanda all about the week (and weekend!) when Amanda was done her shower. A quick shower, a few minutes with blow-drier and curling iron, and some of her heavier foundation, and Amanda looked—and felt—more like herself than she had since all this began.

She still hardly recognized herself in the mirror. Back in her own home, her own bedroom, the feeling of surreal disassociation threatened to overwhelm her again. But in the mirror, she saw the green sweater and white shirt laid on the bed behind her. The jeans with the legs still pegged and cuffed.

For some reason, the thought of Francine chose to invade her mind at that moment. A wicked grin lifted her lips at the idea of Francine's reaction when eventually the truth of things came out. The sounds of two exuberant boys returning brought her back to reality. She rushed down to hug her sons.

"Mo-om, you're suffocating me!" Jaime complained as she hugged him to her. Phillip squirmed, but seemed happy to have her back. There were times during the week she wasn't sure she would ever hold them again. She blinked back hot tears before anyone could see them.

"How was your weekend?" She asked, coughing to cover up the hoarseness in her voice. She found herself reluctant to let go of them, she just wanted to touch them, to know they were here and real and safe with her...

"Awesome. Dad took us to the car race track... " She listened with her whole heart as her boys told her about their week without her.

By the time evening rolled around, Amanda was as exhausted as she could remember being. But she also felt contented. She had made a simple supper, and shared it with her mother and the boys. Dottie had clearly enjoyed her own weekend with Captain Kurt, and was surprisingly-thankfully- mellow. The boys filled Amanda in on all the goings on she had missed.

Lee was right; In her own home, surrounded by her family, she began to feel herself again. She deliberately focused on the memories of Lee, and let the bad and scary parts recede. She let the hot, soapy water in the dishpan soothe her nerves. She let the familiar routine ground her.

When she went up to change for bed, she saw the sweater and shirt still laid across her bed. Eschewing her flannel nightgown, she chose Lee's dress shirt to sleep in. It still smelled like his detergent, slightly like him. It fell to mid-thigh.

She had just crawled under the covers when she heard a light tap at her bedroom window. A few seconds later it repeated. Another few seconds, another tap. With a smile, she went over to the window. Opening the curtains she looked down. Lee Stetson stood below her window, and was just throwing another pebble up.

She opened the window and smiled down at him. "What are you doing?" She asked in a stage whisper.

"Can I come up?" His smile was boyish in the moonlight.

"Get up here before someone catches you." She laughed. The autumn smells of frost and decaying leaves, and the faint smell of wood smoke seeped in on the cold from the open window. The trellis had not only been replaced, but reinforced after their adventure with the Stemwinder case. Amanda never let on to the boys that it was safe to climb, of course...

Lee was in through her window, closing it behind him before she even thought about her attire. His eyes darkened appreciatively as he took her in. "Hi."

"Hi." She tugged futilely at the hem of the shirt. It came to mid-thigh. She felt the heat of a blush rising from her chest. "What are you doing here?"

"Just checking on you." He stood there in his leather jacket and dark jeans, looking mysterious and dangerous and unbearably... hot.

"Oh." For the life of her Amanda couldn't find words. After the intimacy of the last two days, she was now back in _her_ domain, and suddenly shy.

"I thought maybe... " He paused, looking ever so slightly uncomfortable himself... "I could tuck you in."

"Oh." Now the warmth was back. The syrupy heat low in her belly, the thousands of butterflies beneath her diaphragm. "That would be nice." Her voice was small. She moved to the bed, slipping under the covers, moving over to allow room for him.

This was familiar. He sat on the edge of the bed, bringing the covers up around her, his hand finding her cheek. Her own hand found his.

"Things go OK this afternoon?" His voice was low, intimate. She knew her mother and the boys were all fast asleep after their own adventures over the weekend.

"Yeah. It was good.' She smiled, her other hand tracing his jaw, then resting on his chest. "You came to tuck me in?"

"Mmm hmm." His thumb brushed her lips. "I can stay if you want... "

The thought was appealing. She loved waking up in his arms. But he needed sleep too, and she knew he would not sleep if he stayed. She felt like she could deal with any nightmares if they came. She had enough good, new memories to dwell on... Including this one.

"Well... I'd like that... " she hedged, "But you need your sleep too. And if one of the boys ever came in here in the middle of the night... " She smiled at the slight disappointment he let slip.

"OK." He swept the bangs back off her forehead, then brushed a feather kiss on her brow. "I'll just stay 'till you're asleep."

When she was about to argue, he cut her off. "It will make me feel better.' His eyes were intense in the sparse light from the window.

So she snuggled down deeper into her pillows, her bed, and held on to him as sleep claimed her. And no nightmares came in the night.

Long after her breathing was deep and steady, Lee sat gazing at Amanda. The small box in his pocket seemed to burn. He had accomplished his mission. A simple, elegant diamond sat in a blue box. He wanted her to know it was real. His love for her was real. His love for her was more real than any love he had known. He could not imagine his life without her. He hoped to never feel the sheer, unmitigated terror he had known this past week. He knew the life he led was uncertain. Amanda was part of that life now, and he hated that in many ways... but he also acknowledged that she had made him a better agent, and she had saved his life more than once. He didn't want her anywhere but beside him.

Finally, assured she was sleeping peacefully, he reluctantly left her. He quietly checked the rest of the house on his way out. Jaime slept carefully curled under his covers, a stuffed dinosaur nearby. Phillip sprawled, half the covers and the pillow on the floor. He had the foreign urge to tuck him in, but knew the boy would be terrified if he woke to a stranger doing that. Only it didn't feel like he was a stranger to Lee. He silently cracked Dottie's door, she had a sleep mask on and her TV flickered with a low volume.

He let himself out the back door, making sure it locked behind him. Now, he could sleep. His family was safe. Tomorrow he'd make it official, with Amanda at least. There were obstacles ahead... some seemed insurmountable... but when the Scarecrow set out on a mission, he didn't give up until the mission was accomplished.

~fin~


	9. Disclaimer

Disclaimer: This is not only fiction, this is *fan* fiction, based on a corny, sweet, 'dramedy' from the early-to-mid eighties. Dramedy is a made-up word by television folks that means a 'comedy-drama,' or a drama-comedy; A hybrid of the two. You know, like "Tonight, on a very *special* epsiode of Blossom..."

PTSD is very real, and NOT funny. This particular fanfiction was written because I actually AM trained, and am a professional in Critical Incident Stress Management and Critical Incident Stress Debriefing, and it totally bothered me back when I watched the episode the first time that they just went on about the rest of the show like nothing had happened.

With all the other continuity issues that Scarecrow and Mrs. King had, it's not surprising. But in revisiting the series years later, with my *now* job experience and training, it really, *really* bothered me. This fiction is by NO MEANS an accurate representation of either the symptoms of critical stress or appropriate response and treatment. It is perhaps the merest of glimpses, the tip of the iceberg so to speak.

It's fiction, folks. FANfiction at that. It's meant to further the storyline and the relationship of characters from the 1980's... It's meant to fill in the blanks and smooth over the things we would never put up with today. (Can you imagine a show like 'Flashpoint' just glossing over something like this?) We hardly even had the language for such things yet back then, and were not too far removed from calling it 'shell shock.'

So hold the flames. It's supposed to be romance, and fun. And if you need some help or advice regarding a critical incident you've had-PTSD can be from things as common as car accidents or just being witness to a tragedy-drop me a PM and I'll do my best to hook you up with some information and help.


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